Bringers, Barking & Begging! Oh My!

I haven’t been doing stand-up for quite some time. It’s not for the lack of material, but rather the culture of doing stand up comedy in New York City that has put me on the back burner. For those of you that don’t know, there are a lot of clubs that make you bark, bring and/or beg/pay for stage time, which usually consists of 5-7 minutes depending on certain factors. I’ll explain those in a bit, but first let me try to explain preforming stand up in NYC.

When your new, it’s like something that you’ve never tried before except with an audience. I use the term audience very loosely, because you are probably in a bar that hosts and open mic and your audience consists of people who are waiting to go on stage and not interested in what you have to say. There is rarely any feedback, so it’s hard to know what’s working and what’s not. Now I’m not saying ALL open mics are like that, but this represents the majority of them. It’s great to practice your routine, but when it’s time to go on a “real” stage, things get rather complicated and tough decisions need to be made.

I’d like to correlate this next part like going out on a first date, there’s chemistry and things progress rather quickly. You go back to her place at the end of the evening, get invited up and clothes start to come off. You make your way to second base and there it is, a giant hair protruding from her nipple. I’m not talking about Nordic peach fuzz, but rather a full-on-greater-than-an-inch coarse, wiry, hair that comes to you with no warning you don’t know what to do. It’s not like she gave you warning, I mean who’s going to tell you about a giant hair on and around her nipple? The thoughts race, does she know there’s a giant black pube there? How does she not know? Does she enjoy it being there? Is this a test? Now depending on your situation and mind set you have a bevy of options to consider, all within a few milliseconds. Much like trying to preform stand up for a “real”, paying audience. Yes, I’ve just compared doing stand up to a giant hairy nipple.

This would be a deal breaker for most, where the excuses to leave would be either cliche or downright ludicrous. Or you would stay, do what you need to do and overcome the thought entering your mind every 3 seconds of the protruding black piece of chest wool. If you are of the latter, then stand up comedy in New York City may be good for you. Me, I’m of the I-gotta go-thanks-for-not-warning-me, I have to go and now be extra careful every time a bra comes off type of guy.

In New York City if you want stage time at a real club where people pay to see you preform (let me say this, this does not happen at every comedy club in NYC) and not some back room of a bar you have to do a few things that you may have to look past, like a hairy nipple.

First there are the “Bringer” shows. Where you have to literally bring the audience. You have to post on facebook, email text and call people to come see you make a jackass of yourself on stage for about 5-7 minutes. The more people you bring the later you go on. Some of the clubs wanted you to bring 15 people on a Tuesday night at 5PM, have them pay $15 to get in with a 2 overpriced drink minimum. There would be about 5-8 struggling comics and maybe a famous headliner. And what does the monkey on stage get for all the dough they just brought in? Nothing but 5-7 minutes of stage time, sure it’s good experience and you get to practice. That’s all great, but the producers of these shows might as well be pimps. Side note: Not all clubs are this severe, some only require 3 people and on a Friday night for an 8PM show, much more reasonable and a less pretentious.

Second there are “Barking” duties. Yes I said barking, much like the carnival barkers of the past, you would be in, oh I don’t know, Times Square trying to sell tickets to a comedy show. Where you may get stage time (or paid) depending on the amount of tickets that you sell. So we went from online pimping straight to street walking pimpery. Now I know people who have done this and they feel OK doing it, they obviously do not mind a hair on the nipple. I on the other hand could not would not in a boat, or with a goat do that kind of thing. I do not like hairy nipples here or there, I do not like them anywhere. So if you’re up for doing something like that, my hat is tipped to you. It shows me that you have a set of brass balls and the tenacity you have scares me.

I know I’m going to catch shit for this but I’m not worried about it. I support my friends in the business as best I can and wish all of them success without having to succumb to some of the greedy producers and club owners that are out there. I’ll be making my “comeback” and I call it that because I haven’t been here for years, in the very near future, but you will not see me in Times Square Barking. I’m getting to old for that shit.

If you found this funny and informative or even if you hated it because you have hairy nipples, leave a comment and please feel free to pass it around, I’d greatly appreciate it.